Archive for the 'Uniquely Me' Category
June 14, 2011 @ 9:40 am | Filed under: Country Life,Family,Pure Sunshine,Uniquely Me
“Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.” ~Leonardo da Vinci
In the past four months:
- We moved to a new town, away from family, friends, and church
- Said town is a rural town where I need to drive to yet another town in order to visit Walmart
- I finished a five year college career and GRADUATED
- Our youngest finished a four year college career and GRADUATED
- I witnessed my first snake and then…my first mouse
- I built a deck, with a *little help from my man. Okay, maybe it was the other way around…
- We spied newly born buzzards in the window of the old haybarn
- We planted our first-ever garden
- I have sat many mornings and evenings on the deck we built and delighted in the cows in the back pasture
- We’ve hosted several rich and fun-filled family and friends weekends at our country place
- I got a TEACHING JOB!!
- I witnessed my first newborn calf
- We’ve begun to harvest the vegetables from our garden – such deliciousness!
All of this has happened in the past four months and I’ve not blogged about any of it. It’s been the equivalent of a thick tongue and dry mouth…LOTS to say but no real way to put it all out there and feel like I am doing any of it real justice.
I woke up this morning though and – as I walked through my house, with the sunshine splaying happily on the floors of this old house, my coffee cup warm and cradled in my hands – I realized I am doing more of an inservice by not at least attempting to journal all this newness.
All this wonderfulness.
I am not an ordinary farm girl. What is the antithesis of a farm girl? Find that word in the dictionary and I am sure you’d come much closer to finding my picture attached. Yet I am experiencing such a deep-seated contentment and sense of wonder these days that is making this transition a true adventure.
Google has been my point of reference for everything in the last few months. How far apart should I space my zucchini plants? Google. What does poison ivy look like? Google. What are the nesting habits of buzzards? Google. What kind of flowers do I need to put in my garden to keep away the bugs? Google. What kind of snake is this? Google. Pros and cons to having a farm cat? Google. Recipes for thing to do with zucchini when you have a bumper crop? Google.
Trust me, it goes on and on. And this not-your-ordinary transplanted farm girl/teacher/writer couldn’t be happier about it all. That’s not to say that snakes and mice bring any sort of happiness at all. I do, however, accept that they have their specific place in this wild new territory I now call home, and I respect that.
And that, my friends, may be the newest new stuff of it all.
I may not have all the right words to introduce this new life to you, but I do promise to try. I will leave the bits of pieces of writing that is happening now that my soul has found this fresh inspiration in the country air. I will upload pictures of birds and of projects and of any variety of animals and/or pests. I will share glimpses of the joy and wonder we are finding here as we make memories we’ll treasure forever with family and with friends.
This promise is brought to you by a not-so-ordinary farm girl.
contentment, Family, laughter, living simply, memories
January 4, 2011 @ 7:17 pm | Filed under: Pure Sunshine,School Stuff,Uniquely Me
“The most beautiful thing in the world is, precisely, the conjunction of learning and inspiration.” ~ Wanda Landowska
This is my first week of my student teaching internship. How appropo that this should be the quote for today’s date in my day planner.
I want to write about just how well this week is going so far. But the truth is that I am speechless…it’s going THAT well. I am beyond thrilled with my schedule, with my mentor, and with the students.
I have a feeling that the next four months will be awesome ones.
Here’s a few things that have made me HAPPY this week!
Without any further ado…behold my BLISS!
Lunch bag & thermos
Keys to the building & to my classroom
My classroom!
Staff Parking Permit
Now…back to lesson plans.
And more amazing conjunctions of learning and inspiration!
October 11, 2010 @ 5:52 pm | Filed under: Travel,Uniquely Me
It was a whirlwind of morning activity, for sure.
Going to class, sitting through a meeting, and then heading for the airport…for an impromptu planned trip out of town.
An oxymoron, you say? And I’d agree, except it really was just that – a trip I’d known for months I’d make in some form or fashion, but then who knew I’d catch a mid-afternoon plane with nothing more than my purse and the tiniest carry-on ever and then experience four days of unexpected break in an otherwise CRAZY fall schedule?
Saturday was Casey and Rhoads’ wedding – a family event we’ve all been anticipating for months and months now. Held on a small, intimate venue high up on a ridge in Dripping Springs, Texas, the weekend promised to gift us with many of those treasured family moments that we love the most. But first to get through the week…
And then the plan changed…and unplanned perfection unfolded!
MJ left on Monday morning, scheduled for a full week in the San Antonio region. With the changes in the structure of his company, the past few months have brought about quite a few new faces, names, and acquaintances. One of these is Noe, MJ’s counterpart on the engine side. Working closely together now on accounts for the past several months, they were bringing the entire team together for a dinner…
…and wanted their wives to be there to share in it all.
So I booked a flight for Wednesday afternoon, quickly packed a suitcase that I hoped would get me through the weekend, and loaded it all into MJ’s van before he drove away bright and early on Monday morning.
Too bad I didn’t know then that I would make it to San Antonio with only the 3 1/2 inch heels I was wearing (unless you count the 4 inch heels intended for the wedding) and that I would have to leave behind a hair pick because it wouldn’t pass security (Really, people? You think I’m going to try something with a plastic, faux-rhinestone encrusted hair pick?), AND that I would forget to grab my camera before heading out the door.
Nevertheless, the next four days proved the point that – sometimes – the least laid plans can work out to be the very best ones!
I boarded the plane on Wednesday afternoon, tugging off my ‘student’ hat and doing my best to pull on my ‘corporate wife’ hat. By the time we landed 45 minutes later, I had just about managed to forget about the paper I had left unfinished, the teacher insurance forms awaiting my signature, and the fact that the following week held mid-terms.
Instead, I breathed in the cool, crisp autumn air -
Who am I kidding, y’all? It was 4:00 in San Antonio – there was nothing remotely crisp or cool about it. But MJ was waiting at the top of the escalator, and there is just nothing that makes me feel more complete than to feel his eyes on me and see that great smile crease his face. That was cool.
I would be hard-pressed to pick my favorite moment from the weekend. Instead, there are bits and pieces that float to the top and knit together to form the most perfect myriad of images that I know I’ll carry for a long time to come.
Meeting Noe and his wife, Angie. Making new friends. Seeing our youngest boy. Taking him to dinner. A picnic overlooking some of the prettiest scenery South Texas has to offer. Naps. Conversations with my sister-in-law.
The wedding itself. Seeing the beautiful bride on her special day. My husband and his two sisters gathered around their mother.
I still can’t believe I didn’t have my camera to record each and every special, priceless moment.
It was a Fall break I had not planned on.
It was unplanned perfection.
September 27, 2010 @ 4:52 pm | Filed under: Uniquely Me
I’m trying to slow things down, even if for only a few minutes.
School work slammed me last week, and I was pretty much held hostage by a whole host of papers, exams, research topics, and projects.
In between all the craziness, though, there were moments of pure bliss. And even though I missed blogging about them right after they happened, I certainly don’t want to miss mentioning them because…they were THAT special to me.
So…to recap…
1.) Madie turned 11! In true family fashion, we celebrated BIG.
Then after that HUGE meal and even BIGGER amounts of LAUGHTER and LOVE, it was time to head back to the grindstone for several more days of hard work and deadlines. Boo.
Friday DID finally arrive, however, and with its arrival came a very special evening. Our dear friends were installed as the new pastors of a great church. Our own pastor delivered a touching keynote message. The entire night was amazing on every level and MJ and I were so honored to share the night – and the experience – with some of the BEST people we know. Dawn and Kevin – we LOVE you dearly!
We arrived back home in Commerce a little after midnight, and were back up at 6:30 the next morning. I would say, bright n’ early, except there was nothing bright going on at all. It was a dark and stormy morning, to be sure, but the Bois d’ Arc Bash 5K Run was on – rain OR shine!
So we pulled on our shoes, caps…and rain ponchos…and lined up at the entry booth to receive our bib numbers and race maps. Then we stretched, chatted, and tried to stay out of the rain until the call came to approach the starting line.
Then the next thirty-five minutes were some of the MOST fun I’ve ever had with my husband. I had to laugh as I thought of all the weeks of training I had endured and how NONE of it had prepared me for running in a torrential downpour and leaping deep and wide puddles with a single bound…
We managed to cross the finish line TOGETHER and we must have been grinning from ear to ear because amid all the cheers I made out, “Look at those smiles!’ And I have no doubt we WERE smiling. It was fun, plain and simple.
MJ didn’t have the luxury of the same amount of training times so the effort he put forth is all the more to be praised. He’s my hero! He also makes me laugh – a LOT.
I walked into the living room late Saturday afternoon and found him sitting in his chair. “How’s your body?”
“It hurts.” He patted his lower stomach. “Everything from my navel down.”
Like I said, he makes me laugh.
And when I laugh – with MJ, with our family, with friends – I gulp in big breaths of fresh air.
Just the remedy for an intense week, don’t you think?
September 17, 2010 @ 8:16 am | Filed under: Faith Lifts,The Solid Rock,The Writing Life,Uniquely Me
A fearless beauty is something I pursue…
devotions, Faith Lifts, walk with God
September 17, 2010 @ 6:49 am | Filed under: The Writing Life,Uniquely Me
MELROSE MIRACLE
by Staci Wilder
Chapter Fourteen
Ella stood between Deidra and Henry, her heart thudding.
The seven finalists faced the panel of judges in the dimmed Sound Stage C. A strange mixture of anxiety and anticipation tickled Ella’s insides, but the fear from the first elimination ceremony was strangely missing.
Henry hummed beneath his breath next to her, and Ella knew the others felt the pressure too. It was kind of crazy, when she stopped to consider it, that a group of adults would willingly put themselves in a position to be judged and scrutinized, almost like they were in an elementary school spelling bee or something.
“Welcome to tonight’s elimination ceremony.” Nathan Charleton faced the contestants. “On behalf of the judges and myself, we want to say how amazing each of you did in today’s challenge. You’ve learned that it’s not easy to multitask on camera and sometimes—when you least expect it—things go wrong.”
“Te-ell me.” Deidra quipped.
Their host smiled. “I see Deidra agrees with me.” He folded his hands. “Unfortunately, the time has come to send one of you home. It isn’t because you haven’t improved, but rather, you haven’t improved at the rate the judges would have liked.”
Nathan Charleton turned to the panel of judges. “Tom, I turn it over to you.”
The judge named Tom stood and walked in front of the seven finalists. Ella felt the tension in their little cluster tighten. Deidra’s fingers found hers and squeezed. The humming on the other side of her grew a bit more intense.
“We saw great things in each of you today. I think you made Marcus Jordan proud. You took his signature recipes and made them your own.” He smiled. “But there were some things that happened that made us question whether some of you really have what it takes to handle full restaurant and chef abilities.”
For the next five minutes the judges gave a running critique on each of their individual performances. Deidra was reprimanded for a slip of the tongue during her fiasco with the eggs. Henry was cautioned against being known as a joke teller on screen instead of a food show host. And Ella was reminded that—although there may be a million other things going on—it was crucial to always keep an eye on your footing.
She nodded. Hopefully she’d have the chance to do so.
“These are the names of the finalists that will continue on to the next challenge.” Tom paused and made eye contact with each of them. Patty…Ben…Ella…Torrie…
Henry.”
Ella’s heart thumped wildly with relief. Her legs felt like giant Gumbys, and she didn’t know which she wanted to do most—laugh or cry.
“Deidra and Dirk, please step forward.”
Ella felt sad for her two teammates. They’d both worked so hard in this competition. She had no doubt they wanted this every bit as much as she did. But only one of them would move on to the next round.
“Deidra,” Tom went on. “You let a word slip out during filming today that—had it gone on air—would have been bleeped by our network censors. I don’t think I have to tell you that is not acceptable.”
Deidra nodded, while the judge moved on to Dirk.
“Dirk, I’m not sure what happened out there today, but you lost control of the segment and never regained it. In this business, a chef has to think on his feet and not be fazed by minor hiccups or breakdowns in processes. You broke the cardinal rule today. You stopped the show. A chef must learn to improvise.”
Both Deidra and Dirk looked contrite. Ella’s heart hurt for them.
“Deidra,” Tom smiled at her, “We’d like you to stay for the next round. You still have a shot in Restaurant 101.
Ella felt a dart of disappointment. She liked both Deidra and Dirk, but felt maybe Dirk’s personality was more in line with the network philosophy. Still, that’s why the judges were here. She joined the others in embracing Dirk, who was amazingly gracious as he said his good-byes.
*****
Ella stared at the clothes on hangers in front of her. She’d packed plenty of straight skirts and tops. Perfect for her stint as a show contestant, but falling miserably short for her dinner date with Luke.
He’d said to dress casual, that they’d go somewhere quiet. Possibly a quaint Italian bistro he knew of. Ella had a closet full of casual, but she wanted something more for tonight. It needed to be special.
That left only the black dress.
Ella stared at it, uncertain. Reggie had thrown it into Ella’s bag at the last minute, insisting she needed at least one dress appropriate for evening wear. Her best friend had been right, as usual, but Ella wasn’t sure Reggie’s choice in dress was right for her.
She ran a tub full of hot water, pouring in a generous capful of plumeria bath crystals. Immersed in the steamy bubbles, Ella let her mind drift to the evening ahead. Her skin tingled with excitement. Between her surprise at making it to the next round and this dinner with Luke, Ella could barely contain it all.
This afternoon’s conversation with Luke replayed across the big screen of Ella’s mind. His gentleness—the way he’d held her hand. The look in his blue eyes—like he felt her pain and wanted to make it better. The unexpected prayer—
Ella sat up in the tub and rubbed the back of her neck.
The prayer. She’d been uncomfortable with that. Not that she didn’t believe in prayer, per se. She did—or at least she used to. But Ella had spent hours on her knees in prayer during Stephen’s illness and especially in those dark days before his death. Until the very end, she’d clung to her faith, knowing, trusting that God was able to heal her husband.
Then Stephen died, and everything changed.
Ella shook her head now, wanting to sweep these thoughts under the rug of her consciousness. Tonight was about Luke. About celebrating. About discovering a new friend. She didn’t know if her heart was jumping too far ahead of the rest of her, but Ella looked forward to finding out.
Stepping from the tub, she toweled off and spritzed a mist of perfume on her wrists and behind her ears. After smoothing lotion onto her legs, she donned the undergarments she’d laid out, then slipped into the black dress and stood in front of the full-length mirror.
The dress was long, coming to rest mid-calf. The silky crepe material hugged her body—not tightly, just gently outlining the silhouette of her figure. Flirty cap sleeves tickled her arms and made her feel very much like a woman. Turning her head to one side, she surveyed the neckline. By no means low-cut, it accentuated a part of her body Ella never really thought about.
Feeling beautiful, yet almost conspicuous, she toyed with the idea of changing into something of her own. The phone next to her bed jangled, and—with one last look in the mirror—she moved to answer it.
“Ella, this is Torrie.”
In her mind Ella chanted, Torrie—with an ‘ie’. “Hey, Torrie, what are you up to?”
“A bunch of us are going to dinner. You know, to celebrate. Want to come?”
The girl’s voice bubbled with enthusiasm and Ella almost hated to have to tell her no. “I’m sorry, Torrie. I don’t think I can make it tonight.”
“Aw, come on, Ella. It’ll be fun. Some of the crew are going too.”
Ella’s mind went back to Torrie’s comments a few days back. Did the girl think Luke Abney would be one of the crew present at dinner tonight? She started to set the record straight, then thought better of it. Luke had said there was no problem with them seeing one another, but there was no reason to hang it out there for anyone to inspect. She’d rather keep it between she and Luke for now. Torrie would just have to enjoy the evening with someone other than Luke.
“Have fun, and tell me all about it tomorrow. Okay?”
“Sure, okay.” Torrie sounded resigned. “Talk to you then.”
Ten minutes later Ella had brushed her teeth and released her hair from the scrunchie that had contained it during her bath. Running her fingers through the curls, she debated piling the whole mess back on top of her head. But remembering Luke’s comment and the way he’d played with that one curl was enough to convince her to leave it down. Slipping into a pair of black strappy heels, Ella couldn’t remember the last time she’d dressed up.
The phone jangled again.
“Hi.” Luke’s voice sounded sweet in her ear. “It’s me. You ready?”
“I am.” Ella grinned. “I’ll be right down.”
“I can’t wait.”
He was waiting for her though, just as she stepped off the elevator. Dressed in sharp black slacks and a tan ribbed sweater, Luke Abney looked gorgeous. His blond curls had received a fresh hair cut and now the close-cropped do was just what Ella remembered from their first meeting back home at Max’s diner.
“You look wonderful,” he whispered as he took her hand and gently kissed her cheek. The glint in his eyes told her he meant it.
She had a difficult time finding her voice, but he didn’t seem to notice. Placing one hand on the small of her back, Luke guided her outside and to the passenger side of a navy blue Expedition. He held her purse while she carefully climbed inside. As he shut the door, Ella felt his gaze linger on her. It sent shivers of anticipation pummeling through her veins.
The drive to the restaurant wasn’t a long one and it seemed to pass all too quickly. Not once did they lack for anything to say. Ella loved it when he laughed at her stories of Chloe. And she laughed along with him as she shared the details of tonight’s elimination ceremony.
“See? I told you it wasn’t your time to go home, didn’t I?”
“You did, I have to admit.” Ella nodded in the dimness of the SUV. “You were right.”
“You think maybe it was my prayer that worked?”
Ella swallowed hard. Here it was, the prayer thing again. She turned to look at him, not sure what to say. His faith was obviously important to him. Ella didn’t begrudge him that. She just wasn’t sure she could share it. Would that create a problem for them, right here in the beginning, before they’d given this romance a real chance?
“Ella, would it be so bad if it were the prayer that did it?” It was spoken in a whisper, so quietly she barely heard it.
In the darkness Ella shook her head. “No,” she whispered back. It wouldn’t be a bad thing at all. She just simply didn’t think it was the prayer.
*****
This probably wasn’t the best time to ask.
Still, Luke gripped the steering wheel and stared at the road in front of him. “You know,” he spoke quickly, before he lost his nerve, “I’d love for you to join me for church.”
“Church?” The puzzled timbre in her voice echoed inside the dimness of the vehicle.
“Yeah.” Luke almost wished he’d waited for a more appropriate opportunity to bring up the subject. His heart told him Ella Paglia was a special woman, but his head shouted that he needed to make sure she shared his faith. “I go to a church…a small one…just outside the city. We have a praise band, a really dynamic pastor…I think you’d enjoy it.”
Ella didn’t answer right away. Luke turned to look at her and saw her open her mouth to speak then promptly shut it again. He worked his jaw and considered how to direct the conversation from here.
“You always surprise me, you know that, Luke?”
She laughed and Luke’s stomach dropped back into place. He blew out a silent sigh of relief and grinned.
“Is that a good thing, or bad?”
Ella shrugged. “Good, I think. Certainly not bad. You just…catch me off guard sometimes.”
“I guess I’m passionate about things that mean a lot to me.”
“And you’re passionate about your church?” She shifted in the seat, angling her body to face him.
Luke heard the incredulity in her voice. “I guess you didn’t expect to find that in a Hollywood guy, huh?”
Ella gazed at him with an intensity that rocked him, making it difficult to keep his mind, let alone his eyes, on the traffic around them.
“Sometimes I forget there are still people who put their faith before anything else.” She leaned her head against the back of the seat. “It doesn’t matter if it’s here in LA or back home in Milltown.” She shrugged again. “Living out a strong faith is a tough thing to do.”
Now it was Luke’s turn to feel puzzled. He couldn’t put a finger on how Ella felt about God or faith. She talked as though drawing from personal experience, and that filled him with hope. But the quiet resignation that threaded her words kept a cautious rein on that hope. Luke struggled with the desire to delve further, not wanting to push too hard, too fast.
“It can be tough.” He could agree readily enough with that statement. “But God is faithful.”
Luke glanced her way again, wanting to reach over and take her hand. He wanted her to understand how the mercy of God had reached to him, rescuing him at the very moment when he felt he’d lost it all.
“Faith is living out in the daylight according to the holy whispers you hear in the nighttime.”
Luke’s heart stumbled in his chest as he listened to Ella’s quiet words. He didn’t know if he wanted to jump for joy that she did understand, or weep for the pain that resonated from some deep, dark place inside her.
This time he did reach for her hand, closing his fingers around hers. She didn’t resist, and they rode this way in silence for a few miles.
It wasn’t until they pulled into the parking lot of Café Med that Ella spoke again. She unhooked her seat belt and turned to face him.
“I had faith once, Luke.” Her eyes were large and round in the dimness of the truck’s interior. “A faith as strong and sure as yours.”
“What happened, Ella?” Luke asked the question, but in his heart he already knew. He felt he’d lost everything when Tessa had walked out on him. But in truth, he’d been spared an even larger heartache. A life with Tessa would have never worked for either of them. He knew that now, and was thankful he’d escaped that kind of peril.
But Ella had lost a husband. Chloe had lost her father. Luke couldn’t begin to fathom the pain of that kind of loss.
“Life has a way of teaching you things you’d rather not learn, you know?”
The sadness in her voice confirmed his thoughts. Luke wished for a way to show her God was still with her, even if she didn’t feel Him like she used to. That much he knew for sure. The shimmer of tears in her eyes stopped him. What right did he have to tell her anything? He’d never lost at the level Ella had experienced.
“I’ll keep your invitation in mind, Luke.” She attempted a smile, reaching out to touch his arm. “Thank you for asking.”
Disappointment gnawed at Luke’s gut as he stepped from the truck and walked around to open Ella’s door. She’d tried to hide it, but he knew she’d recoiled from his question on prayer. Lord, please don’t tell me I’m falling for this woman only to learn she doesn’t believe in You anymore. That would be unacceptable.
Right now, Luke couldn’t imagine anything harder than walking away from Ella Paglia.
With her arm entwined with his, he felt like a million bucks as they entered Café Med. He’d heard some of the guys bragging about bringing some of their dates to this chic, quiet Italian restaurant. As they walked inside, the dim interior and twinkling overhead lights seemed to mimic the atmosphere in Luke’s heart.
“Reservation for Abney, party of two.”
“Right this way, sir.” The waitress smiled and summoned them to follow her.
It wasn’t until they were midway down a narrow hallway that Luke spotted them. His heart sank to his knees as he recognized Ernie and a couple of guys from work. To make matters worse they shared a table with Torrie Tyler and a gal Luke couldn’t place.
He ducked his head and tightened his hold on Ella’s elbow, hoping she hadn’t seen the group. With any luck at all their table would be far away in another room and he and Ella would share the meal uninterrupted.
It wasn’t meant to be. Not believing his poor luck, Luke watched the waitress lead them to a table in the very room with Ernie, Torrie, and their party. Ella must have noticed them then too because he felt her body stiffen next to his.
“Abney!” Ernie’s voice boomed across the small space. “What are you doing here, man?”
Luke grinned and saluted. Maybe the waitress could show them to another table…
“You two come join us at our table.” Ernie pointed to two empty chairs. “There’s plenty of room.”
Luke glanced at Ella. Even if they begged off now it would be awkward. But he’d leave it up to her. When she only shrugged and offered a half-smile, Luke swallowed his disappointment and led her to the empty chair beside Torrie. Easing into the one next to her, he reached for Ella’s hand under the table.
“So, Ella.” Torrie sounded half-miffed. “I thought you weren’t going out tonight.” She leveled a glare that seared Ella.
Ella fidgeted in her chair, and eased her hand away from his. “No.” She shook her head. “I said I couldn’t go out with…you.” She smiled at the girl. “But what do you know? Here we are, after all!”
“Imagine that.”
Torrie’s tone was dry and loud. Luke glanced at the girl’s glass to see what she was drinking. Some type of cocktail. She sounded as though she’d had one drink too many.
“Anyway, let me make the introductions.” Ernie jumped in, obviously trying to cover up for Torrie’s rudeness. “Luke, have you met my girlfriend? Leann, this is Luke Abney, a buddy from work and—his date, I presume—Ella.”
Luke stood and reached for Leann’s hand, then watched Ella do the same. “Nice to meet you.”
“Yeah,” Torrie’s voiced was garbled. “Ella is in the competition too. Now I see why she’s doing so well!” Her voice boomed as she laughed raucously. “She’s earning extra points!”
Luke glanced at the girl. The veneer that had appeared so sweet and innocent a mere week ago, now seemed to ooze venom as she glared at Ella. He squeezed Ella’s shoulder, trying to impart silent reassurance.
“Ella.” Torrie refused to fade into quietness. Instead, her voice rose above the din of conversation from the surrounding tables of Café Med patrons. “What about your husband? I thought you were still so in love with Stephen.”
Anger boiled in Luke as he saw Ella’s back stiffen. Instinct told him to reach out and take her hand. But his gut instructed him to remove Ella from the situation entirely.
Torrie turned her glazed eyes his direction as he stood. “I guess you’re…uh…mending her broken heart, huh, Luke?”
He felt the color rise in his cheeks. His chair scraped the tiled floor as he pushed it out of the way. Reaching for Ella’s hand, he pulled her to her feet, taking in the ashen gray complexion that had replaced the usual olive glow of her skin.
“I think we’ll sit alone, after all, guys.” He steered Ella around the table, careful to keep a steady hand on her elbow. She didn’t look well at all.
Torrie twisted in her seat, her cool blue eyes boring into Ella. “Guess you’re officially over your husband, huh, Ella?”
Ella flinched as though the girl had slapped her. Luke’s gut tightened at the look on her face. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this much fury. Who knew an otherwise attractive lady could spew such ugly words. And, for what? To embarrass Ella? To bring up deliberate, hurtful reminders of a past that she’d so tragically lost? Luke didn’t understand it. Not one bit. But the one thing he knew was that he needed to get Ella away from this table—and fast. He grasped her elbow and moved forward again.
Ernie jumped up too and put an arm around his shoulders. “I’m sorry about that, man. Torrie’s been drinking pretty heavy since we got here. Don’t pay any attention to what she said.” He jerked a thumb toward the group. “She probably won’t even remember any of this tomorrow.”
Ernie winked at Ella. “She may not even be up to the next challenge, the way she looks right now.”
Ella’s silence was enough to propel Luke forward. He shook hands with Ernie and then led Ella back to the front of the restaurant. He scanned the lobby for the maitre de.
“I’ll have them give us a different table.” Luke bent and whispered in Ella’s ear.
“Luke,” she pulled on his sleeve. “Can…can you just take me back to the hotel?”
*****
Luke’s confusion was obvious to Ella.
She couldn’t blame him, not really. But neither could she explain it all to him. The guilt, the shame, the harsh reality—it was all too much to bear.
To try and explain it would be impossible.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Luke’s eyes misted with intensity as he stood at the door of her hotel room. “Can I bring you a cup of coffee? Do you want to talk?”
“No.” Ella shook her head, wishing with all her heart that she could escape inside her room, and not have to glimpse the care etched so deeply in Luke Abney’s eyes. If only there were a rewind button on the evening…She could have politely yet firmly turned down Luke’s dinner invitation and spared them both the brief glimmer of hope for a relationship. “Thanks, but no. I…I think I’ll just go to bed now.”
“Hey, you’re not going to let Torrie get to you, are you?” Luke leaned against the door frame.
Although he did not touch her, Ella’s arm tingled at his nearness. His glance, his care, his very presence—all hinted at an intimacy that both thrilled and scared Ella.
He deserved more, Ella knew that. Luke had been nothing short of kind and considerate to her, regardless of what Torrie Tyler might be spouting to others. Nothing inappropriate had transpired between them. There was no reason to feel guilty.
What about Stephen? Torrie’s drunken words traipsed through Ella’s mind like little wind-up toy soldiers, intent on one thing alone. To seek and uncover the shame she felt about allowing her heart to move on.
Ella swallowed against the sobs clawing at the back of her throat. If she stood here another minute, staring into Luke’s caring eyes, she would surely dissolve into a puddle. Right here in the hallway of the Los Angeles Radisson Hotel. That thought alone propelled her forward.
“Thank you for taking me out.” The words sounded lame, but Ella could think of nothing more.
Luke’s wry grin seemed to echo her thoughts. “Well, it was the cheapest night I’ve had in a while.”
The stab at humor seemed to hang in the air between them. Ella blinked, words again failing her.
“I’m sorry our night out had to end on such a sour note.” Luke shrugged. “It certainly wasn’t the evening I’d envisioned for us.”
“I know.” Ella couldn’t stare into his eyes another second. She directed her gaze to the multi-patterned carpet, tracing a gold-colored rectangle with the toe of her sandal. “It wasn’t what either of us envisioned.”
“I hope you’ll give me another chance.”
Luke’s voice, low and husky, tickled her senses. When her heart sped up, it only intensified the guilt. Almost as though her heart were betraying her every bit as much as she was betraying Stephen. How could she have these feelings for a man she’d known such a short time? Even more disturbing, how could she feel so strongly for two men at once? It didn’t make sense.
It only made her feel sick.
“We’ll see.” Ella forced her gaze back to Luke’s face. She tried to ignore the yet unasked questions in his eyes. Attempted to ignore the way he reached out to stroke her forearm. Steeled herself against the quick rush of his breath on her face as he stepped close.
“Ella.” Luke whispered, his voice caressing her bruised emotions. “I care about you.” He touched his chest as though to emphasize his point, then fell silent.
Ella stood speechless. What could she possibly say? I care about you too, Luke. But caring for you means my heart is committing the ultimate betrayal of Stephen. Ella shrank against the wall.
“I won’t rush you.”
She only nodded, not trusting her voice anymore than she trusted her heart.
Ella sensed, more than saw, Luke lean forward. His lips, soft as silk, brushed a kiss against her forehead. The electricity was immediate, and it jarred every sense in Ella’s body. Afraid to move, she remained motionless as he squeezed her fingers.
“Take care, Ella. Sleep well.”
It wasn’t until Luke had turned the corner that Ella allowed herself to look up. The empty hallway did nothing to reassure her. Instead it merely mirrored the emptiness in her heart, reminding her of all she’d lost.
Rebuking her for all she wanted.
Free Fiction Fridays, Staci Wilder books, writing
September 16, 2010 @ 6:21 am | Filed under: Motherhood,She said,Uniquely Me
A few years ago I started making random confessions to the world. Blogging is like that. It brings out all sorts of personal things you would normally only tell a best friend. Suddenly you are perfectly comfortable sharing things like the fact that you just went to Wal-Mart and – midway down the bread aisle – couldn’t remember if you’d changed out of your pajama bottoms before leaving home. Disclaimer: I did, however, change first. I was fully clothed for the bread run. Just not necessarily in my right mind.
At the time you are typing the aforementioned sensitive information into your laptop (thinking of it as a sort of therapeutic exercise) it seems like you are just writing for yourself. No harm done. But then you look at the stats from the day and realize hundreds of people you don’t know and everyone googling “funny Wal-Mart stories” forevermore now know the embarrassing truth about your declining state of mind and the fact that there are just those days that you don’t have it all together. They know you are (gasp), REAL.
I have also revealed over the past few years that I suffer from a disease.
“Hi. My name is Staci and I am recovering from perfection-itis.”
Okay, so the disease is fake, but the symptoms were very real. Suffering from Perfection-itis years ago meant I based my contentment in life by how nearly perfect I could bring every portion of my life. How perfect my home was. How perfect my daily word was. How well-behaved my children were. How well I could orchestrate all these things at once. And let me tell you – it was, like, um…never!
Over and over my expectations were dashed on the rocky cliffs of attempts and failure. Exhaustion and dismay kept me bound, held prisoner by the unseen hand of the impossible.
Cooking and writing and nesting are things I love. There is nothing wrong with being passionate about how God has gifted us. Creativity is a blessing and I am grateful for it every day. But when the creativity became more of a burden and less of a joy, it was time to examine my priorities. It took a while (and some days I still have to “go to a meeting”) but I finally learned the important lesson that a happy mama makes a pretty perfect home. And time spent on the knees is what helps Mama get her happy on. And with a good dose of happy, the well-behaved children and the word count and the picked-up house all seem to find their respective spots on the list of priorities.
It’s a constantly changing list and – for each season of life – the changes seem to only grow. My system isn’t perfect, nor will it ever be. But I’m learning to to wholeheartedly embrace this one amazingly beautiful and imperfect life that I have been blessed with.
And that’s my random confession for the day.
contentment, laughter, life lessons, living simply
September 15, 2010 @ 11:11 am | Filed under: The Solid Rock,Uniquely Me
“A dream is your creative vision for your life in the future. You must break out of your current comfort zone and become comfortable with the unfamiliar and the unknown.” – Denis Waitley
Contentment. Fear. Two emotions that seem to have no relation to one another and yet they have shimmied up to one another inside of me and have both become quite still. No pushing or shoving for a place of dominance. No arguments over which has the right of ownership inside my heart. Instead, they sit with their arms around one another as if to let me know that this is natural. It’s not something to fear. It’s something that will teach you.
I have never been more content nor more afraid of where God is guiding my life than I am right now.
I’m standing at the edge of the shore, watching the waves push new opportunities and experiences closer toward me as I dig my toes into the cool, course sand. There are some waves that I’m eager to reach for, to dive into and see what happens when I come up on the other side. These are moments when I glimpse a distant horizon – wonderous and magnificent. Anticipation pulses through me, and – in these moments – I reach for it, anxious to experience the beauty of what He has waiting for me.
These waves are easy.
Then there are the waves that I see coming from some distance away. They are giant and as they creep ever closer, it’s obvious that they will soon tower over me, swallowing me first in their shadow and then in their depth. I try to squelch the thumping of raw nerves in my veins and still the thudding of my breaking heart. These are the waves that promise the ride of a lifetime, but also carry with them the fear of the unknown. To jump into these depths means that I will follow God’s call for me and for my family, letting go of what has been my buoy and my lifeline for so long in order to go to where He is.
These waves are tougher.
I am afraid. I am nervous. I am feeling unsettled. My heart races and I have moments when I entertain the thought of crawling back to shore to complete and utter safety. To the known, the comfortable. And yet I cannot ignore the niggling in the depths of my being – the still, small voice that reminds me that You are ready for this. The past years have prepared my heart for this very moment in time. For this swim. For this wild, God-given adventure that will take me to ports of call I’ve not even thought to imagine.
I know what I will ultimately do. It’s what I always do. Because – for me – there has never been, and never will be, another choice except to follow. I will dive head first into the waves God puts before me, trusting that His great love for me will stand as lifeguard over my heart and life as I do my best to let His current take over and move me where He desires me to be.
I am content. I am still afraid. Two emotions that seem to have no connection reside like easy companions in my soul. I’m okay with them both. I uncurl my toes from the sand and take a few timid steps into the water. God’s call on my life swirls gently around my ankles as I move forward, encouraging me to step out in faith. He is waiting, arms outstretched to help me through the difficult moments. He tells me to come in, the water is fine.
I trust that.
devotions, faith, walk with God
September 8, 2010 @ 6:35 am | Filed under: Soul Food,Uniquely Me
“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” ~ Hans Hofmann
“Hey Nana.” Kendall walked into the kitchen. It was the twinkle in her eyes more than her excited tone that captured my attention. “Can you come here for a minute?”
I dried my hands on a towel and then followed her into the living room. She walked to the shelves that now housed Mama’s salt and pepper shakers. I thought for sure she must have more questions about them. She reached one tiny hand out but – instead of fingering one of the sets – she pointed to the round tin with the letters S I M P L I F Y stenciled on the side that sat on the bottom shelf.
“Did you know – ” Her voice lowered to a bare hush “- that there’s change in there?”
I did know, but often forgot.
I had picked up the tin at a little store in Jefferson last year during our annual cousins trip. Mike and I had just entered Phase I of our Big Adventure and the message on this can was a ready reminder that everything we might be sacrificing in the short term was going to pay large dividends in the long term.
We placed it on this shelf and had gotten into the habit of dropping our spare change into it. Over the course of many months it had become quite the nice change tin. Particularly for a curious six-year old, who thought she’d just hit some major pay dirt.
Her words still linger with me – even now, a few weeks later. There’s change in here.
The irony isn’t lost to me.
We’ve made a very deliberate choice to live a simple life. Making daily choices that bring us closer to our ultimate goal. A place we want to create for us and for our families, a place that will be the legacy we hand down to our kids.
The place where we’ll grow old together, sipping early morning coffee on a back deck and hosting family weekend dinners in our outdoor living area. It will be the hub of happiness and hope, where love is the constant that bonds us all.
But sometimes - in the midst of THE RIGHT NOW – when the issues of work and school and the busyness and craziness that comes with our schedules rears up…I forget.
I forget that simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
I forget that life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
I forget that you have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.
There is change in here!
I know this, and don’t want to forget. This morning it is fresh on my mind and newly imprinted on my heart.
There is change inside of simplicity. And that is what I am in pursuit of.
contentment, life lessons, living simply
September 4, 2010 @ 10:31 am | Filed under: Faith Lifts,Soul Food,The Writing Life,Uniquely Me
I’m at my home-away-from-home today, and my thoughts are all about life’s teachable moments. Sometimes I almost miss the simplest ones because I’m on the lookout for the biggest, grandest, most amazing display of an awesome lesson. When – all along – it lies in the quietness of the ordinary and in the beauty of the everyday.
Enjoy your day! I know I am. I am so in love with the weather – with the hint of fall in the air and the brand new promise of all that a new season brings with it. I’m like a kid in a candy store, running from aisle to aisle…I can’t decide what I like best.
But I’m definitely liking it!
