Archive for the 'It's funny!' Category
July 5, 2008 @ 1:25 pm | Filed under: It's funny!, The Writing Life
I LOVE writing. And there’s really nothing I’d like to do with my life more than hone this skill and keep writing for as long as God sees fit.
But for all the folks out there who think this life is one of ease and tranquility, let me give you more correct information.
Many days it can be torture. Sweet torture, but torture nonetheless. Even as I struggle to tap into the right vein, to prayerfully and carefully endeavor to write my heart, I’m sometimes distracted by all the stuff going on outside my upstairs office window.
Who’d have ever thought that mowing a lawn or observing trash retrieval would ever sound so appealing to me?
This is just one of the many hazards of the writing life…
authors, cartoons, writing life
March 17, 2008 @ 7:53 am | Filed under: It's a Girl Thing, It's funny!
Comedian Anita Renfroe, who made an Internet splash with “William Tell Momsense,” a song about motherhood, is now a special “Good Morning America” contributor addressing issues important to all women — like hair, handbags, and all things girly.
Clutch, hand bag or purse — whatever the name of your all-inclusive accessory, it can say a lot about you. Whether you love those over-the-shoulder boulder holders or tiny totes are your thing, your pocketbook is telling the world more than you realize.
There are at least four purse analogies.
More Is More Better
This lady is the one who never really got over carrying the diaper bag and still wishes she had something that large. She normally has like a full snack bar and a working pharmacy down in her bag and is prepared for every situation in life.
- The upside: Should you ever find yourself in jail, she’ll be the only one in your group of friends with a MacGyver 7-in-1 tool to bust you out.
Basic Tiny Toter
This girl can get the whole contents of her day into seven square inches. I don’t really understand this woman, but you can bet if she can do this that she’s got some control issues.
She probably pays her bills ahead of time and has her sheets tucked in real tight on the corners of her bed.
- The upside: Should you ever find yourselves in jail, she’ll be the only one with the unlimited AMEX who can bail you out.
Serial Monogamist
She gets one purse and sticks with it for 12 years. She’s the kind of person for whom you occasionally have to do what we call “a purse intervention.” Now she’s also loyal and if she’ll stay with this purse for 12 years she’ll hang with you.
- The upside: Should you ever find yourself in jail, she’s the only one in your group of friends who’ll be out on the sidewalk holding a candlelight vigil with a sign that says, “My friend is innocent.”
Purse Schizophrenic
This woman changes her purses more often than she changes her underwear. Sometimes she doesn’t know how she’s going to feel after lunch so she’ll occasionally carry a purse inside of her purse just in case her mood changes.
- The upside: If you find yourself in jail, she’s normally the reason why you’re there, BUT she’s also the one who’ll sit right there with you in that jail cell saying, “Isn’t that the best fun we ever had honey?”
February 2, 2007 @ 7:01 am | Filed under: It's funny!
The following is a collection of analogies and metaphors that English teachers have received in high school essays. Here are some of the winners.
(Warning: don’t read unless you are prepared to laugh…really hard!)
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m . traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
See what I mean? Funny stuff! Which are YOUR favorites?
